1. You can't wear button down shirts because the buttons gape open and you basically look semi-naked. One time I realized this was happening 30 minutes into a work meeting. It's like having spinach in your teeth, but boobs.
2. It's impossible to find cute bras that fit. All the lacy balconette bras Victoria's Secret models wear? Look away — because YOU get a giant grandma support bra with two-inch-wide beige straps.
3. No bathing suits fit. Ever. Not one pieces, not two pieces, not red pieces, not blue pieces.
4. People (even those who don't know you well!) say things to you (even in casual conversation!) like, "Have you ever thought about getting a breast reduction?" No, have you ever thought about getting a nose job? Maybe you could at least turn around and go check your nosiness at the door, then?
5. People ask you if your back hurts. While I realize this is an issue for some women, it's weird when people assume that something I like about my body is a disability.
6. Everyday exercises are not possible. There is this much space between my b@@bs and the floor during a push-up.
7. You have to wear more than one sports bra if you're going to attempt to work out. Sometimes two, sometimes — UGH — three. Sometimes you wish you could temporarily mummify your b@@bs just for your workouts.
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Hello, my name is Jack Sparrow. I'm a 50 year old self-employed Pirate from the Caribbean.
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